[[Raw]]
Emotions.
Cracked and crumbled.
Whisked and battered till the tender, oozing yellow yolk of the situation
Becomes too easily miscible in the white bed sheets we once slept in.
You can’t escape them.
Then watch them poured out and sizzled slowly
Under the scorching scrutiny of the blazing sun
So everyone can see just how raw they are.
I remember too well the mornings
When even the charcoal gray of a forlorn dawn
Would give way to the sweet, succulent scent
Of a fresh, brisk sunrise.
Your attempts at culinary counterfeit were flattering,
Countless shells banished to failed dreams of life,
Gallons of bright orange radiance lost to the cracks of the earth,
All for the name of
An elaborate arousal.
But it was that minty fresh aftertaste
That only a chef extraordinaire could perfect,
Driving even the most refined palette wild.
The timbrel and lyre from the lip-smacking richness
Would make even the singing bluebird jealous, yielding
Only to the crashing reality
That the sun sprinting eastward meant another day had come,
Conspiring to drive us apart.
But we managed to keep our secret.
That brief embrace made every burnt piece of toast
And every stubbed toe while wildly searching for the bathroom
Worth it.
And yet, Helios is a jealous man.
You couldn’t understand the ground we had broken
By stealing the morning back from the gods,
Complaining I was only tossing you the tablescraps.
So here I stand over cracked porcelain
And reflections from heartless, blackened steel
Trying desperately to cover up
The hunger of emotions that you exposed.
But you killed the Golden Goose
When you walked out the door.
So now all I’ve got left are these
Rob, I love the cooking analogy that you use in this piece, and highly encourage you to go back through the work and make sure that most of your descriptions/words play off of that analogy ... especially that egg image. Love it!
ReplyDeleteAs usual, I also recommend playing around with the order of you stanzas ... taking the last stanza and putting it first, etc., ... just to see if the structure would be better suited to a reorganization.
I like the passion in this piece ... and, lastly, love these themes ... especially since the three of us tend to center on similar concepts, words, images.
Hi Rob! I really like the imagery and creative colorful descriptions. Not to mention I am really envious of how you can write long poems! - think I told you this already :)
ReplyDeleteHmm, I'm just wondering if I correctly interpreted the 'storyline' behind this poem: someone's boyfriend/girlfriend walked out on them?
Eric,
ReplyDeleteThanks! I didn't know if the cooking analogy was too 'cheesy'; when I tried to describe the poem back to myself in my head, somehow it just seemed weird that the poem was about an egg and cooking; i.e. me describing the poem doesn't have the same feel as some of the descriptions I tried to use.
I guess one of my 'flaws', perhaps, as a writer is that I think too linearly. I usually have a story in mind when I write poetry, and the idea of departing from that linear story usually doesn't cross my mind. I'll have to play with your idea in a future poem. Thanks so much for your comments!
Christine,
ReplyDeleteThank you as well!
One of my other curses as a writer is that I can't quite write anything short. I do it in essays as well; I just keep elaborating and elaborating. I know we talked about this; I'm trying to learn to let the reader have some liberty in reading the poem, but that means I have to take a step out of the 'story' genre I am a bit accustomed to, so it's a work in progress.
And yes, you interpreted the poem correctly. I guess the 'story' is that this girl, who embodied every aspect of this guy's life, walked out on him, and now all he wants is to move on yet everything in his life reminds him of her. That, I guess, was where the theme of 'raw' came in; he continuously feels 'raw' because, to throw in a random analogy, the Band-Aid that is his life keeps getting peeled back and exposing the unhealed wound.
Hope that clears it up! Thanks again for your comments!
ps If my poems ever become too confusing, feel free to smack me or something. I did a workshop in class with a poem, and the first 15 minutes was spent by the class trying to figure out a different poem and what it meant because, apparently, it was too confusing. So hopefully this one wasn't too bad.
Ah Rob! That's what I figure, a breakup story. It makes more sense now, and I really like how you started and ended on the same scene of the guy trying to fry an egg for himself.
ReplyDeleteHave a suggestion for you: consider running with the egg theme, and expanding this theme in the middle portion of the poem, using it to link up the various stages of their relationship. Maybe e.g. egg in the beginning lovey dovey part of their relationship when the gf tries to bake him a cake, then back to raw again when they break up...
I just noticed how breakup has double meanings - relationship and egg shells :)